SpeedyGrl.com - Miscellaneous Quotes : A

A major rule you forgot, Roles. Every game we play, we slip into a role, a game identity with which to play. We decide we're rescuer, victim, leader-with-all-the-answers, follower-without-a-clue, bright, brave, honorable, crafty, dull, helpless, just-tryi ng-to-get-along, diabolical, easygoing, pitiable, earnest, careless, salt-of-the-earth, puppetmaster, comic, hero... we choose our role by whim and destiny, and we can change it anytime we want.
- Richard Bach, Running from Safety: An Adventure of the Spirit

"Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done."
- Carl Friedrich Gauss (1777-1855), when informed that his wife was dying

A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit. - the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

As you slide down the banister of life, may there be no splinters pointing the wrong way.

At a bookstore the other day, I saw a book entitled "Sex for Dummies". Why would someone want to teach dumb people how to reproduce? Aren't there enough of them with AOL accounts now?

Automobile: A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.

Bad Driver: Someone who thinks it normal to carry an assortment of colours of touch up paint in the glove compartment.

Bald people never have a bad hair day.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

Being good at being stupid doesn't count.

Be nice to the nerds and geeks in high school- you'll be working for them in the future.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.

Be true to your teeth, or they'll be false to you.

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.

Billy Graham has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?

Bosses are like diapers; Full of shit & always on your ass.
- Luxx saw this on a bumper sticker.

Brain damage is all in your head.
-- Karl Lehenbauer

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

By the time they had diminished from 50 to eight, the other dwarves began to suspect "Hungry".

Call me schizo, but I'll always have each other.

Character comes from following our highest sense of right, from trusting ideals without being sure they'll work. One challenge of our adventure on earth is to rise above dead systems -- wars, religions, nations, destructions -- to refuse to be a part of t hem, and express instead the highest selves we know how to be.
- Richard Bach, One

Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they're dead.

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco, wrapped in paper, fire at one end, fool at the other.

College: The place where you have three options--to sleep, to study, or to party - but only get to pick two per semester.

Committee: The unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.

Competence, like truth, beauty and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.
-Dr. Laurence Peter and Raymond Hull

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Cooking lesson #1: don't fry bacon in the nude.

Cry me a river, build a bridge, and get over it.

Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is your list of girls who were naughty.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Diamond: A chunk of coal that made it under pressure.

Diplomacy: The ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way he looks forward to the trip.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Don't piss me off - I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Don't play stupid with me - I'm better at it.

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
- William Coronel

Don't steal a police car unless you're prepared to floor it all the way to Mexico.

Don't steal, the government hates competition.

Don't vote - it only encourages them.

Do, or do not. There is no ‘try’.

Do you know that if all the smokers were laid end to end around the world, three quarters of them would drown?

“Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become. Your Vision is the promise of what you shall one day be: your Ideal is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil.
- James Allen

Drive defensively - buy a tank.

Eagles may fly, but weasles don't get sucked into jet engines.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Every 10 seconds, somewhere on this earth, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Everyone is entitled to be stupid but you're abusing the privilege.

Expert: A person who knows a great deal about very little and who goes along knowing more and more about less and less, until finally he knows practically everything about nothing.

Far away in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead.
- Louisa May Alcott

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable we have to change it every 6 months.

Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, prepare to die.

For people who like peace and quiet - a phoneless cord.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Forecast for tonight: Dark.

F U CN RD THS U CNT SPL WRTH A DM!

Get stoned - drink wet cement.

Get your facts first, then you may distort them as much as you please.

Get your mind out of the gutter! Grab mine while you're there, please.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Going to church on Sunday does not make you a better person any more than sleeping in a garage over night would make a Chevrolet out of you.

Growing Old Is Inevitable; Growing Up Is Optional.

Growl all day and you'll be dog tired at night.

Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I wish I could. It's like having a little pet for your face.

Hang on baby, I saw this in a cartoon once, but I'm pretty sure I can do it.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Here's to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the trouble makers. The round pegs in the square holes, the ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them, because they change things, they push the human race forward, and while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they ca n change the world are the ones who do.
- Apple Computers, Think Different

Her husband said: "Be an angel and let me drive." So she did, and now she is.

He who lives his live for nothing other than money is simply a whore of the system.

He who thinks by the inch and talks by the yard deserves to be kicked by the foot.

Honest politician: One who, when bought, stays bought.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.

I date this girl for two years — and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..."

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

I don't drive fast, I fly low.

I don't fear computers; I fear a lack of them.

I don't get even, I get odder.

I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

I don't know if God exists, but it would be better for his reputation if He didn't.
-Jules Renard

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
-Bill Cosby

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I do whatever my rice crispies tell me to.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or would you check your mails?

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

If in the last few years you haven't discarded a major opinion or acquired a new one, check your pulse. You may be dead.
- Gelett Burgess

If Israelites come from Israel, then what come from Paris?

If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

If money is the root of all evil, why do churches want it so badly?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

If you and your friend are being chased by a grizzly bear, don't worry about out-running the bear, just worry about out-running your friend.

If you are close enough to read this, I am close enough to slam on my brakes and sue you. (bumpersticker)

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

If you can't say something nice, say something surreal.

If you don't like the way I'm driving, YOU come get these handcuffs off! (bumpersticker)

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance...

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.

If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

I had a lovely evening. Unfortunately, this wasn't it.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't, and a sense of humor to console him for what he is.

I'm a mental tourist. My mind wanders.

"I married beneath me. All women do." - Lady Nancy Astor

I may rise today, but I refuse to shine.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".

In God we trust - All others we monitor.

Insane: When you're nuts and it bothers you. (Crazy is when you're nuts and you like it).

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

I predict that cloning won't become very popular. Too many people already find it difficult to live with themselves.

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
- David Bissonette

i souport publik edekasion.

I still miss my ex-husband....but my aim is improving.

I think it's because light travels faster then sound that some people look bright until they talk.

I think, therefore, I am... not related to you.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

It is better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and erase all doubt.

It is by not always thinking of yourself, if you can manage it, that you might somehow be happy. Until you make room in your life for someone as important to you as yourself, you will always be searching and lost...
- Richard Bach, The Bridge Across Forever

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

I took an IQ test.....the results were negative.

It's a little known fact that the Dark Ages were caused by unresolved Y1K issues.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

It's Hard to Be Nostalgic When You Can't Remember Anything.

It's not Area 51 I'm worried about- it's Areas 1 through 50.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

It's too bad ignorance isn't painful.

It will be a great day when our schools have all the money they need and the Air Force has to hold a bake sale to buy a new bomber.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but now I see I should have been more specific.