SpeedyGrl.com - Miscellaneous Quotes : J

Life does not require us to be consistent, cruel, patient, helpful, angry, rational, thoughtless, loving, rash, open-minded, neurotic, careful, rigid, tolerant, wasteful, rich, downtrodden, gentle, sick, considerate, funny, stupid, healthy, greedy, beauti ful, lazy, responsive, foolish, sharing, presured, intimate, hedonistic, industrious, manipulative, insightful, capricious, wise, selfish, kind or sacrificed. Life does, however, require us to live with the consequences of our choices.
- Richard Bach, Running from Safety: An Adventure of the Spirit

Life is a grindstone. Whether it grinds you down or polishes you up, depends upon what you're made of.

Living on Earth may be expensive.....but it does include a free trip around the sun.

Madness takes it's toll. Please have exact change.

Make your words short and sweet because you never know when you might have to swallow them. (Thanx to Kelly Parker for sending this one in! )

Man is a social animal - If you don't want to be an animal, don't be social.
[ thanx jhh, for this quote ]

May you have the hindsight to know where you have been, the foresight to know where you are going, and the insight to know when you have gone too far...

May you live as long as you want - and never want as long as you live.

Mediocrity thrives on standardization.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Men who treat women as helpless and charming playthings deserve women who treat men as delightful and generous bank accounts.
- GQ

Men with piercings are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

" - Mind if I smoke?"
" - I don't care if you burst into flames and die!"

Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.

My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim.
I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
--Paula Poundstone

My reality check just bounced.

Never argue with a man carrying a water buffalo.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Never eat more than you can lift.

Never eat yellow snow.

Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that)

Never pet a burning dog.

Notes for a ballet, "The Spell":
Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon. Sigmund is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman — unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful not to make any poultry jokes.

Not many people realise just how well known I am.

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.
That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. (thanx to Erik for this one!)

One of these days my ship will come in, but with my luck I'll be at the airport.

Opportunity knock only once, if you hear a second knock it's probally a Jehovah's witness.

Out of my mind. Will be back in 5.

Paranoia study: don't apply, we know where to find you

People are like stained glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within.

People who think they're perfect are very annoying to those of us who really are.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

Pity the poor egg; it only gets laid once.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

Politics: From the words 'poly' meaning 'many' and 'ticks' as in 'small, blood-sucking parasites'.

Prevent inbreeding - ban country music.

Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

Property may be destroyed and money may lose its purchasing power; but, character, health, knowledge and good judgment will always be in demand under all conditions.
- Roger Babson

Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati - When all else fails, play dead.

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

Roses are Red, Violets are blue, I am schizophrenic, And so am I!

Scattered showers my ass!

Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy, check 3 friends, if they are ok, you're it.

(seen on a restaurant) GUYS: No shirt, no service GALS: No shirt, no charge.

Sex is like air, it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Smith & Wesson - The original point and click interface.

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

So many pedestrians, so little time! (bumpersticker)

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.

Sorry I missed church, I've been busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian.

Spotted on the back of a T-shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad: If you see me running, try to keep up.

Stick with me baby and I'll buy you rocks as big as diamonds.

Stress: The confusion created when ones mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living crap out of some butthead who desperately needs it.

Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!

Success means doing the best we can with what we have. Success is the doing, not the getting - in the trying, not the triumph, Success is a personal standard - reaching for the highest that is in us - becoming all that we can be. If we do our best, we are a success. Success is the maximum utilization of the ability that you have.
- Zig Ziglar

Take it easy, and if you get it easy take it twice.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Taxpayer: Someone who doesn't have to take a public service exam to work for the government.

Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure. - I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.

That's what learning is, after all; not whether we lose the game, but how we lose and how we've changed because of it and what we take away from it that we never had before, to apply to other games. Losing, in a curious way, is winning.
- Richard Bach, The Bridge Across Forever

The average person thinks he isn’t.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

The cigarette does the smoking, you're just the sucker.

The difficult can be done immediately, the impossible takes a little longer.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.

The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.

The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact than a drunken man is happier than a sober one.
-George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

The Internet is a great way to get on the Net.
- Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole

The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an oncoming train.

The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been.
- Alan Ashley-Pitt

The meek shall inherit the earth — they are too weak to refuse.

The ninety and nine are with dreams content;
But the hope of a world made new
Is the hundredth man who is grimly bent
On making that dream come true

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

The only real cure for dandruff is the guillotine.

The person who does things that count, doesn't usually stop to count them.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

There are two kinds of pedestrians--the quick and the dead.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.

There is always death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.

There once was a time when everyone feared God and the Church reigned supreme... it was called the Dark Ages.

There's a fine line between an attitude problem and thinking clearly.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

There's a typo in this sentence, but it slides away when your eyes move toward it.

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

The trouble with political jokes is they get elected.

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. - Harlan Ellison

They say you can't really know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. I say if they've got itsy-bitsy feet or some kind of foot disease, I don't wanna know 'em!

This life is a test; it is only a test. If it had been an actual life, you would have received instructions on where to go and what to do.

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

Titanic is the greatest love story ever?? Rich girl meets poor boy, poor boy draws rich girl, boat sinks, poor boy dies, rich girl lives to 150.....

Today has been cancelled due to lack of interest.

Veni, vedi, velcro ... I came, I saw, I stuck around.

Veni, Vedi, Visa. I came. I Saw. I did a little shopping.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Virginity is like a bubble, One prick and its all gone. (Thanx to Kelly Parker for sending this one in! )

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of "smart"?

We're all our fathers' fastest swimmers.

We wait all these years to find someone who understands us, I thought, someone who accepts us as we are, someone with a wizard's power to melt stone to sunlight, who can bring us happiness in spite of trials, who can face our dragons in the night, who can transform us into the soul we choose to be. Just yesterday I found that magical Someone is the face we see in the mirror. It's us and our homemade masks.
- Richard Bach, Running from Safety: An Adventure of the Spirit

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

What's the height of conceit? Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

What would you attempt to do, If you knew you couldn't fail?

What you're supposed to do when you don't like a thing is change it. If you can't change it, change the way you think about it. Don't complain.

When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute - and it's longer than any hour. That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and suddenly realized that I was talking to myself.

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
- Mariah Carey

When God was creating the human race, he lined up all the males on one side and all the females opposite. Then he asked, "Which of your species would like to urinate standing up?" Well, the males went crazy, shouting that they wanted to pee standing up.
"Fine", says God, "Women get multiple orgasms."

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the back yard. I was an only child — eventually.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

When you get upset, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown, and only 4 to extend your middle finger.

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
-Norm Crosby

Why be difficult? Put some effort in and be impossible.

Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Winning isn't everything. Winning and gloating and rubbing their noses in it... that's everything!

Without courage you cannot practice any of the other virtues.
- Maya Angelou

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

Write your questions down on the back of $20 dollar bill and send them to me.