"Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school."

"Although I am seeking an accounting job, the fact that I have no actual experience in accounting may seem discouraging. However..."

"AT ONE POINT IN TIME DURING [John Doe's] 28 YEARS ON THIS PLANET, HE WAS IN AN AUTOMOBILE ACCIDENT; WHICH PUT A FEW YEARS THERAPY, SOME 'ROLLERCOASTER' EMOTIONAL SOUL JOURNEYS, AND A WICKED JOB RESUME, WHICH MOST EMPLOYERS WOULD FROWN UPON, AROUND HIS PRESENT IDENTITY... TEN YEARS 'IN THE RUNNING'. HOWEVER, GIVEN THE PRESENT CASH FLOW, VIA. THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT, CONSISTENCY, BOTH PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY, HAVE BEEN REALIZED AND TOUCHED UPON OVER THE PAST FEW YEARS. ALL IN ALL, MY RELATIONSHIP WITH SOCIAL SECURITY BENEFITS IS GROWING NEAR END IN RESPONSE TO MY ACCUMULATED WORK HISTORY. HENCE, I SEE URGENCY, CLOSURE, SOME FEAR, STRONG DESIRE, AND MATURITY ALL WOVEN INTO THIS EXPRESSION OF ME, THE EMPLOYEE TO YOU, THE EMPLOYER."

"Below are the top 10 reasons to hire me."

"Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts."

"Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984."

"Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume."

"Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math."

"Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years."

"Experience with: LBM-compatible computers."

"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business."

"Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

"Fortunately because of stress, worked in the cardiac intensive-care ward."

"Frequent Lecturer: Largest Audience: 1,351. Standing Ovations: 5. Number of Audience Questions: 30."

"Graduated in the top 66% of my class."

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

"I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated."

"I am a pit bull when it comes to analysis."

"I am a rabid typist."

"I am quick at typing, about 25 words per minute."

"I am relatively intelligent, obedient, and as loyal as a puppy."

"I am sicking and entry-level position."

"I am superior to anyone else you could hire."

"I am the bestest person alive for this job, and you you can't see that, it's your loss."

"I am the king of accounts payable reconciliation."

"I am very detail-oreinted."

"I can play well with others."

"I don't usually blow my own horn, but in this case, I will go right ahead and do so."

"I eat computers for lunch."

"If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope."

"I have a bachelorette degree in computers."

"I have exhaustive experience in manufacturing."

"I have used lots of software appilcations."

"I'll need $30K to start, full medical, three weeks vacation, stock options and ideally a European sedan."

"I'll starve without a job but don't feel you have to give me one."

"I love dancing and throwing parties."

I'm submitting my resume to spite my lack of C++ and HTML experience.

"I need just enough money to have pizza every night."

"Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity."

"Interests: I like to workout in my free time. I enjoy listening to music. I love to shopping in new places."

"I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise."

"I realize that my total lack of appropriate experience may concern those considering me for employment."

"I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt."

"It's best for employers that I not work with people."

"I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live."

"I worked as a Corporate Lesion."

"I worked here full-time there."

"Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."

"My compensation should be at least equal to my age."

"My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had."

"My experience in horticulture is well-rooted."

"My fortune cookie said, 'Your next interview will result in a job' -- and I like your company in particular."

"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

"My primary goal is to be recognized."

"My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend."

"My salary requirement is $34 per year."

"Note: Keep this resume on top of the stack. Use all the others to heat your house."

"Objection: To utilize my skills in sales."

"Objectives: 10-year goal: Total obliteration of sales and federal income taxes and tax laws."

"Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis."

"ONCE FOCUSED ON AN OBJECTIVE, I BELIEVE MYSELF TO HAVE AN UNDYING LUST FOR SUCCESS WITH ACCURACY AND EFFECIENCY."

"Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law."

"Personal: Married 20 years; own a home, along with a friendly mortgage company."

"Personal Qualities: Outstanding worker; flexible 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year."

"Please disregard the attached resume -- it is terribly out of date."

"Previous experience: Self-employed -- a fiasco."

"Reason for leaving last job: Bounty hunting was outlaw in my state."

"Reason for leaving last job: Didn't have the skills state in the resume."

"Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job."

"Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word 'paranoia.' I prefer to elaborate privately."

"Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable."

"Special skills: I've got a Ph.D. in human feelings."

"Served as assistant sore manager."

"Skills: Operated Pitney Bones machine."

"Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes."

"Special Skills: Speak English."

"Special skills: Thyping."

"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

"Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"

"Typing Speed: 756 wpm."

"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

"Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle."

"Work History: Performed brain wave tests, 1879-1981."

"You are privileged to receive my resume."

"You have to give me the job, or my mother will be highly upset at you."

"You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!"