20 goto Hell
1332 — The number of two Beasts
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
586: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
665.9238429876 - Number of the Pentium Beast
A bad random number generator: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4.33e+67, 1, 1, 1...
A)bort, R)etry, I)nfluence with large hammer.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation...
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
ACK and you shall receive.
A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy. - Joseph Campbell
A computer scientist is someone who, when told to 'Go to Hell', sees the 'go to', rather than the
destination, as harmful.
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
- from "The Mythical Man-Month" by Fred Brooks (Thank you Randall G. for pointing this out to me!)
A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street. - Doug Linder
A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.
All computers wait at the same speed.
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Anti-glare screens to prevent eye strain ??? In my day, you didn't need an anti-glare screen. With the power they consumed, when you turned your computer on, the whole building darkened!
Simon Travaglia (the B.O.F.H.).
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
APATHY ERROR: Don't bother striking any key.
Application has reported a 'Not My Fault' in module KRNL.EXE in line 0200:103F
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
A program is a device used to convert data into error messages.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
A television program may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
Back when I was a boy, we carved our own IC's out of wood.
Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay...
Behind every good computer -- is a jumble of wires 'n stuff.
Being married to a programmer is like having a cat. You talk to it but you're never really sure if it hears you, much less comprehends what you say.
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression.
Beta testers who lie! Next time on Geraldo!
Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for 'still doesn't
BREAKFAST.COM halted...Cereal port not responding
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
Buy a Pentium/90 so you can reboot faster.
Calculating in binary code is as easy as 01,10,11.
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
Carpe Aptenodytes! (Seize the Penguins!)
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg. - Bjarne 'Stumpy' Stroustrup
C /n./: A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or it isn't.
- Ray Simard.
C.O.B.O.L - Completely Obsolete Boring Old Language.
COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods.
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
- Andy Rooney.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
C Programmers do it recursively.
Sleep: A completely inadequate substitute for caffeine.
cthread. cthread_fork(). Fork, thread, fork!
Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
- Dick Brandon
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Don't worry. I backed it up to the RAM disk yesterday.
DOS computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous tha
n humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.
- New York Times, November 26, 1991.
Drag me, drop me, treat me like an object!
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
Epigram: Ada is the 400-pound gorilla of programming languages.
ERROR 666: Armageddon detected. Please restart universe and try again.
ERROR: Computer possessed; Load EXOR.SYS ? [Y/N]
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
Error: Sector not found -- search behind couch? (Y/N)
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven...
FATAL ERROR! SYSTEM HALTED! - Press any key to do nothing...
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Fine, fine, everything is fine. But using your GUI's breaking my mind! Change this, don't change that, can't you redesign!!! (to the tune of 'read the signs')
Finish the project. We'll buy you a new family.
God is real... unless declared an integer.
Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked.
He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
Hit any user to continue.
Hot Tip #3: Be sure to turn it on before calling technical support.
How many hardware guys does it take to change a light bulb?
"Well the diagnostics say it's fine buddy, so it's a software problem."
If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?
I feel like a genocidal maniac when emacs asks me if I want to kill 10789 characters.
If engineers built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
If you torture the data enough, it will confess."
- Ronald Coase.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
I read the FM, and it didn't work.
I thought I had a back-up, but she refused to type it in again.
ICMP: The protocol that goes PING!
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce today would cost $100, get a million miles to the gallon, and explode once every few weeks, killing everyone inside.
If we didn't have C, we would have had BASI, OBOL and PASAL.
If you declare love, what identifier scope does it have?
In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be indented six feet downward and covered with dirt.
- Blair P. Houghton.
Intel: We put the 'um...' in Pentium.
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
- Thomas Watson (1874-1956), Chairman of IBM, in 1943
It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two will fit.
I will not be a lemming and follow the crowd over the cliff and into the C.
- John (Jack) Beidler.
Let's face the obvious. Yesterday we were nerds. Today we're the cognitive elite. Let's conquer.
- Chester G. Edwards
Life's unfair - but root password helps!
Linux renders ships, NT is rendering ships useless.
Linux: Because rebooting is for adding new hardware.
Managing programmers is like herding cats.
Marketer to coder: "You start coding. I'll go find out what they want."
Memory is like an orgasm. It's a lot better if you don't have to fake it.
- Seymore Cray, on virtual memory.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Computers are from hell.
Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
3 PCs and a chair with wheels.
Murphy's Law on Computing:
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human... to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
Never execute code written on a Friday or a Monday.
Once we've got the bugs ironed out, we'll be running on flat bugs.
One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
- Robert Firth
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
Programmers are tools for converting caffeine into code.
Programmers never die: They just GOSUB without RETURN.
Programming graphics in X is like finding sqrt(pi) using Roman numerals.
Programming is an art form that fights back.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
- Rich Cook
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
- Andrew Rutherford
Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
Relax, its only ONES and ZEROS!
Remaining time multiplied by distress is constant.
RTFM: Not just an acronym, it's the LAW!
Shift to the left, shift to the right ! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte !
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
Software Engineering is that part of Computer Science which is too difficult for the Computer Scientist.
- F. L. Bauer.
Software isn't released, it's allowed to escape.
Sorry, Im a sysadmin, not a housekeeper. I dont do windows. - jhh
Standards are industry's way of codifying obsolescence.
Students nowadays, complaining they only get 5MBs of disk space! In my day we were lucky if we had one file, and that was /dev/null.
Tech Support Tip #2: When the support agent says "Click...", wait for the rest of the sentence.
The computer allows you to make mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila.
- Mitch Ratcliffe.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it's limits.
The evolution of languages: FORTRAN is a non-typed language. C is a weakly typed language. Ada is a strongly typed language. C++ is a strongly hyped language.
- Ron Sercely.
The Macintosh computer was designed for fools, by fools.
The name is Baud...... James Baud.
The problem with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAARRRRGHHHHH!!'.
There are lies, damned lies, and release dates.
There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works.
There is nothing that a kick in the balls or a pressure on reset won't solve.
The three most dangerous things are a programmer with a soldering iron, a manager who codes, and a user who gets ideas.
The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
This message has been brought to you by the language C and the number F.
Three days of testing can save 10 minutes reading manuals.
Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred...
To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it's downright natural.
To know recursion, you must first know recursion.
Unix, BASIC, C, PASCAL, APL, ADA, and PROFANITY spoken here.
Usenet isn't a right. It's a right, a left, and a swift uppercut to the jaw.
-Computer Museum (Boston)
VI VI VI The editor of the beast.
We're thinking about upgrading from SunOS 4.1.1 to SunOS 3.5.
When the going gets tough, upgrade.
Whip me. Beat me. Make me maintain AIX.
Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.
You know you're obsessed with computer graphics when you're outside and you look up at the trees and think, "Wow! That's spectacular resolution!"
Your fault: core dump.
Your program is sick ! Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
You've heard about the computer programmer that died while washing his hair in the shower. The instructions said, 'Lather, rinse, repeat.'